Friday, January 07, 2005

Video Games Should be Banned!

Something has to be done about video games.

They suck.

All of them. I can't think of one game recently that's been worth my time- much less the $55 dollars you're expected to pay for them nowadays. Honestly, if I had really bought them instead of stealing them off of Kazaa, I'd be pissed.

Let's face it. Doom3 and Half-life 2 are really just Wolfenstien 3d with window dressing. You run around, you shoot what's in the center of the screen, and you repeat. Even GTA has lost it's thrill. Sure, dealing drugs, killing innocent bystanders and having sex with prostitutes to boost your health is fun, but in the meantime there's this stupid game you're supposed to be playing.

So get a life, I hear you cry. Turn off the computer and do something productive. Screw you! I spent a grand putting this computer together with the fastest processor, ATI card, memory, and infra-red controller, just so I could play these lousy games with all the bells and whistles. Promises were made, and I expect these game companies to pay up with something entertaining so I can hide from myself. That's the American Dream.

They're all so boring! I finished Half-life 2 in a week, for what? "Ooh, Mr Freeman, we G-men have to put you back in cold storage until the next game… aren't we mysterious?" First person shooters have become impossibly hard and full of spawning monsters, just so you don't figure out that the developers didn't spend a very long time making the game. Even adventure/puzzle games have become ridiculous. Myst 4 was a load of fun until I got to the end, where I'm floating in la-la land and I have to figure out the sequence of the voices- and when I do figure out the sequence, I have to figure out by trial and error the exact combination to enter them in order. I had to find a goddamned walk-through, and now my ego is shamed. Give me another piece of pecan pie!

I suppose it's just my superego telling me to get my ass off the computer and change the baby, but I'm just fed up with all of these games. Even Hack, the greatest computer game ever made, doesn't thrill me anymore. I played board and card games online until I realized that I don't like playing them, I just like the real-life interaction of friends. Too bad none of them live in Queens.

Sigh. Another attempt to escape reality down the tubes. Thanks a lot. So Join me, my brothers and sisters, in deleting all your games. Let us not waste our hard-earned time stealing them off the internet anymore. We should only use the internet for what it was intended. Porn.



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