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Thursday, June 30, 2005

Over-Simplified Solutions to Complicated Problems

Like everyone in Hollywood, I've realized that I should decide how things should be run without any responsibility for the outcomes whatsoever. In that respect, the following ideas have occurred to me:

1) Flag Burning. The answer is very simple. Flag Burning falls under freedom of speech, something the American Flag is a symbol for. Therefore, simply make it a law that just before burning the flag, the burner must publicly state "I am a jackass who is burning the symbol of my freedom to burn the symbol of my freedom… etcetera, etcetera, etcetera." (Bonus points can be earned by pronouncing "etcetera" as "etcetella," ala Yul Brenner in The King & I.)

2) PBS. Although this has been resolved, I think I've come up with a pretty good solution. First of all, let's face it. PBS is not PBS anymore. There are commercials on PBS. Yes, they are cute "We're the caring educational McDonalds, not the annoying McDonalds that you see on other channels," but there are still McDonalds commercials on Sesame Street. The whole point of PBS was that it wasn't supposed to have commercial sponsors- it was supposed to be independent. Therefore, I would make three simultaneous laws. a) To keep PBS independent, no company or individual shall "donate" (they're not corporate sponsors- remember- they're "donators" with no influence whatsoever) anything over $100. b) (and this is the big one) Pay for the arts with the arts: put a 1% tax on all movie tickets, books, cds, etc. that goes directly to PBS. Even better- also put a 1% PBS tax on all actors, singers, directors, producers & writers who make over $100k a year. Finally, c) Make PBS watchable again by putting Dr. Who back on! All PBS's problems started when they took the good Doctor off the air (Which, to be honest, is because in the early 90s the BBC & Fox Video got greedy & wanted collectors to buy the episodes on VHS rather than watch them for free. This is why they stopped showing Black Adder, Monty Python, et al as well.)

Allrighty, that's it. Anyone want me to solve any other national problems, just comment below. I'll do my best to oversimplify things. Ciao!

TTFN
-Tony

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Some trivia here ...

1. We simply don't even like what our flag looks like in OZ. Flag burning falls under freedom from being the convicts from England. Lots of people have designed their own Oz flag and fly that instead.

2. Simply ... an impending Free Trade Agreement with the US if successful means our current ABC (alike to your former glorious PBS) will soon have commercial sponsors.

Anonymous said...

Etcetella ... I want my bonus points :)

Tony LaRocca said...

Not to be obnoxious, but does anyone's OZ flag have the Emerald City on it?

One thing about America I never understood was the whole Flag thing. Too much respect is given to the symbol and not what it's supposed to represent. For example, "I plege aligence to the FLAG of the United States of America... and to the republic for which it stands." Weather your for nationalism or not, ya gotta admit it's a little weird that the republic comes AFTER the flag!

Anonymous said...

Eventually Dorothy (representing traditional American values) and crew (Farmer scarecrow, Industrial worker tin woodman, and William Jennings Bryan the lion whose roar exceeded his might) arrived in Oz (Washington), where everyone saw the world through green glasses(money). So the answer is NO - those that design their new flags are usually poor artists looking out of rose coloured glasses.

Agree THAT is a little weird - unlike us of course heeheeeeee :)

steve said...

Let's vote Tom Baker as president of the planet and let him turn it into Gallifrey-Minor. That might solve some problems, except for those naughty Cybermen...
:-D

Anonymous said...

I'll vote for Tom :)

Tony LaRocca said...

Personaly, I'd vote for Sarah Jane Smith... ;)

Anonymous said...

My son is worried if Dr Who has been blown up in London :(

Tony LaRocca said...

Would you beleive I was watching the news & it DID cross my mind if Tom Baker is OK? Jesus Christ- I am a geek. But as a NYer who worked restoring power downtown in the days following 9/11- my heart goes out to them all.

Anonymous said...

Cheruboy wants to know if K-9 can melt ... and tell you HE isn't a geek :)