Sunday, June 18, 2006

I Danced in the Morning when the World was Begun / & I Dance in the Moon, & the Stars, & the Sun


How much should one actually blog about themselves? Most of the problems I have are the result of talking too much about things I should have kept private. One also can't be too revealing when your mother might read your blog, no matter what age you are. My beautiful Jennifer once blogged a personal piece of information, and everyone in her family was buzzing on the phone within hours, asking what her problem was. She hasn't blogged since. However, who the hell wants to read this thing if it isn't honest? Maybe someone will read this and it will help them work out their own shit. Blogging for Goodness.

Blog. Such a nice word. Blog. Open your mouth wide and say it in a low voice. "Blllllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooog!" Say it over and over again, in rhythm, dressed like Dieter and the Sprockets.

Where was I?

It's 3am. I'm sitting here because I have a pain in my back's lower left side, beneath my ribs- if I press on my bottom rib, it's very tender. It hurts when I lay down, no matter what position I'm in. This pain has slowly grown in the last couple of days. Is it just my back, causing more problems in the name of boredom? Or could it be something new- maybe a kidney problem? Since I've been out on disability with my three herniated disks, I've also suffered two bouts of strep throat, A toothache, massive depression, insomnia, weight gain (beefcake!) and now I can't even lay on my side or breathe too heavily, because it makes my side ache. Can't I just have a break? I took some good painkillers, which made me a zombie during my Mandypandy's third birthday party. Jennifer, Mom, Dad & my in-laws were very kind and helpful, so I really didn't have much to do, except make my lasagna. Mmmm, lasagna.

They're all helpful, especially my Jennifer. I seriously wonder if I'm addicted to dependency, and if I just create situations where I have to depend on others. I had a conversation with my cousin Dean today about the movie What the Bleep do We Know? While I disagree with many of the methods used in the movie, (if you want, I'll explain in another post,) I do agree with the conclusions reached: specifically, that as 1) every thought & emotion in your brain is chemical & 2) your body becomes addicted to chemicals then C) we can easily become dependant on emotions & get caught in behavior traps that reinforce them. So am I just addicted to feeling confused, exhausted, & afraid all the time? Is it just that my brain is used to feeling like I'm one inch away from being sucked under, so it refuses to allow me to simply swim back to shore? I know myself intricately. I know my mind, I know what I think and feel & why I do. So why can't I change it? Why can't I ever rise above merely gasping for air?


People know something's wrong with me. They see me as Wile E. Coyote, (super-genius,) but with no ambition whatsoever. There's a common phrase used among alcoholics called The Elephant in the Living room, meaning that users can't see the obvious root of all of their problems. My problem is just the opposite: I can see the elephant, but not the elephant gun. I think people can sense that I'm drowning, but refuse to acknowledge that the beach is just a few yards away, or that I was born with wings on my back. And it makes them angry and frustrated with me. Oh well. Sorry, I have enough out here to worry about, like tying weights to my feet.

Sorry for the whining, but it's my Blog.

TTFN
-Tony

27 comments:

Katili said...

Your dancing frog is very speakful combined to your post. It's your life, I'm sure you're the expert on that area. Whining has been given to us to give us a possibility to analyze our selves, so thank God for whining. I am pretty open about my own life, well errh...that fact has been used against me very hurtfully but, what really matters, is that my openness has given other people some important knowledge and made them realize they are not alone with their problems. And tell Jennifer to get back to blogging, it's her life, she's the boss. The others get used to it, I know from experience.

I hope your aches get milder and vanish and send you some magic powder to heal your back.

Jen said...

My love, I see you as the man that wants to take on everything at once. There are so many things that I could say here, but I think you know them already.Do not forget that I will be here for you always and that I love you.

Oh and Katili thank you :) I guess in a way I started my blog as a way for me to express my feeling or to get things out on paper. Maybe one day it will become that again. Only time will tell.

uvor said...

Hey Toni, great drawings allways, you will get better by dancing! Shure!
Ulrich.

AnonyGhost said...

DANCE Tooooony DANCE!

Studio Zuga said...

love these drawings. speica;;y the lil girl and lol saying blog over and ove in a low voice sounds like that top guy talking in ur pic. Oh its good to whine! ppl drink it all the time. lets them get things out in the open and aired out, else u get all stuffy inside, and for ppl reading it, if the y dont like it dont read it and dont critize, cause we all know they have something to hide but me and my monkey. i think a beatle said that. well so much for my 2 sesne . Oh 1 more thing, dont forget to dance it keeps u ALIVE
and them guessing

CATRAVEN said...

Wonderful dance illustrations! I really like the little girl in a half-hearted dance. It seems she is protesting or being defiant.

Michael O'Connell said...

keep dancing… don't ever stop… and don't worry about what people think about what you write… keep drawing and keep your eyes on your elephant… eventually you'll figure it all out… and things WILL be better for it…

your illustrations are fun… i,too like the dancin girl… such sweet simplicity…

AnastasiaC said...

Loving your funky frog!
Hope your back and other aches ease up!

french toast girl said...

I love you.

Janet said...

'hope your aches and pains ease up soon! You're a sweet guy Tony....I can tell by the way you talk about your beautiful Jen!

Ian T. said...

Hey, I actually like that Hymn (and the adaptation the late Sidney Carter did in setting it to music). Not sure about this picture with it though :).

I'm pretty coy about what I put on my Blog. A month or so ago something seriously awful happened and I nearly blogged it, but think it's probably better not to in most cases. But then, you can delete posts later if necessary.

I don't know if I've said it before, but you're sounding a bit midlifey in ways - dissatisfaction, losing direction, rediscovering who you are and what you want - it's a bewildering journey.

scarecrow said...

Tony
I think you are ready for the free ride.
I am presenting you with a ticket that will insure you a lifetime of free rides. What is a free ride?

Well let me tell you!

The free ride is life and you get to ride in the front car every time, no matter how long the line is, they say, Hey! Tony come on up to the front.
Sit right here in the center of the front car. Now how's that seat Tony? Are you comforable? You look good setting there! How about a bag of sweeties to eat while you ride?

The sun is shinning on your head, you are setting in the front car, you have a bag of sweeties.

Now I ask you! What could be better than that?

Have a good ride. Let me know how you liked the ride.

Later

carla said...

Hey Tony,
I'm sorry to hear about all the health issues...it's got to be beyond wretched. As for whining...well, it sounds like you're just thinking out loud. We all need to do that from time to time. I hope you start to feel better soon physically, beacuse I think that you'll then feel much better emotionally. I love your dancing frog! You haven't lost your sense of humor:>

Amy Zaleski said...

I like that you're open and honest, it makes you you. The dancing frog rules! Hope you feel better.

Tony LaRocca said...

Thank you all for your kind comments.

Elena- I love you too

Ian- I hope I'm not having a mid-life crisis, as by definition, that would mean that I'll live to the ripe old age of 66- and life doesn't begin 'till at least 67...

I'VE BEEN VISITED BY THE ANONYGHOST!

I'm curious that so many people see the first figure as a frog (with hairy legs.) It was just meant to be something top-heavy, with far too much baggage for it's rickity feet, yet it still tries to dance. It could be worse- I was afraid everyone would see it as Mayor McCheese...

Michael O'Connell said...

well… i saw it as a clam with legs… but everyone else saw a frog… so who was i to argue÷

Twisselman said...

No, I didn't see the first one as a frog... I was trying to get the moon and the stars and the sun in it somewhere. I like the lines in it and especially in the dancing girl... a youthful innocence and exuberance.
Oh, and I see reflecting rather than whining, though I guess there can be a fine line separating the two. I can't pass judgement, as I can maybe be too willing to share and be open.
Okay, now I need to stop before I get started.

Tony LaRocca said...

The post title is the opening lines from the song "Lord of the Dance" by Sydney B. Carter. I like to use lines from songs in my IF posts :)

Alina Chau said...

The top illo is real fun!! :) Coool stuffs!

AnonyGhost said...

DANCE DANCE DANCE!

tiffini elektra x said...

In rhythm like dieter and the sprockets - priceless. I love the dancing illios. The big headed dude with the legs is excellent. Sorry to hear your back is causing you so much pain! Don't have to apologize for whining - get it off your chest. As you said it is your blog! Besides that is why most of us come here your sarcastic humorous way of communicating about all. . .

HARDWAX said...

Your third picture is chilling especially with your narrative, or as you would say blooooooooooooooging. You feel like you're drowning [sucked under], and those around you have the answers to your problems-but they arn't telling-they don't have the answers-they see the elephant in the living room just like you do, but not the elephant gun. You're too close to these feelings and so are they-you need a cold eye, an impartial eye-a doctor. You say we're all chemical-well what can be chemically induced, can probably be undone in the same way, but that's for a doctor to say.

I love your blogging and your animations and drawings, i wish i could share the way you do-i'll work on it.

Andrea said...

Personal issues in a blog ... you are a brave man! With wonderful doodles ... that saucer man with skinny little legs is fantastic, and that sort of half a face thing ... haunting. Bravo, man! Bravo!!

Toni said...

At first i thought frog then read the comments and took another look. hmmm could be a frog.
your illos are always fun and awesome. How about that a visit from anonyghost. sweet.
As for your health you have a lot of support out here and you can say what you want because holding it in would not be good. Take care cuz we care about you.

Christine Lim said...

Hey buddy, I like your entries this week. Maybe a good boogie is the answer to your muscle's bordom? Nah ... bad idea.

Seriously, sorry that you are not feeling too well. I am down with this phlegmy throat for weeks and it's unimaginable having a series of illness in a row. Take good care of yourself and get well soon.

String said...

The problem with being the Coyote is that you never catch the Roadrunner! Addiction to adreline can make you a looney toon!

TXArtcGal said...

I am sorry you are still in so much pain!! I won't get into it...but, I understand. Whine away!! That is what bllllllllooooooooooogggggs are for! I like your illos this week...and, not just because I did a dancing frog too. The little girl speaks to me! Awesome!! ...and, I have put you in my prayers!...because I don't think God is bored with us!