How much should one actually blog about themselves? Most of the problems I have are the result of talking too much about things I should have kept private. One also can't be too revealing when your mother might read your blog, no matter what age you are. My beautiful Jennifer once blogged a personal piece of information, and everyone in her family was buzzing on the phone within hours, asking what her problem was. She hasn't blogged since. However, who the hell wants to read this thing if it isn't honest? Maybe someone will read this and it will help them work out their own shit. Blogging for Goodness.
Where was I?
It's . I'm sitting here because I have a pain in my back's lower left side, beneath my ribs- if I press on my bottom rib, it's very tender. It hurts when I lay down, no matter what position I'm in. This pain has slowly grown in the last couple of days. Is it just my back, causing more problems in the name of boredom? Or could it be something new- maybe a kidney problem? Since I've been out on disability with my three herniated disks, I've also suffered two bouts of strep throat, A toothache, massive depression, insomnia, weight gain (beefcake!) and now I can't even lay on my side or breathe too heavily, because it makes my side ache. Can't I just have a break? I took some good painkillers, which made me a zombie during my Mandypandy's third birthday party. Jennifer, Mom, Dad & my in-laws were very kind and helpful, so I really didn't have much to do, except make my lasagna. Mmmm, lasagna.
They're all helpful, especially my Jennifer. I seriously wonder if I'm addicted to dependency, and if I just create situations where I have to depend on others. I had a conversation with my cousin Dean today about the movie What the Bleep do We Know? While I disagree with many of the methods used in the movie, (if you want, I'll explain in another post,) I do agree with the conclusions reached: specifically, that as 1) every thought & emotion in your brain is chemical & 2) your body becomes addicted to chemicals then C) we can easily become dependant on emotions & get caught in behavior traps that reinforce them. So am I just addicted to feeling confused, exhausted, & afraid all the time? Is it just that my brain is used to feeling like I'm one inch away from being sucked under, so it refuses to allow me to simply swim back to shore? I know myself intricately. I know my mind, I know what I think and feel & why I do. So why can't I change it? Why can't I ever rise above merely gasping for air?
People know something's wrong with me. They see me as Wile E. Coyote, (super-genius,) but with no ambition whatsoever. There's a common phrase used among alcoholics called The Elephant in the Living room, meaning that users can't see the obvious root of all of their problems. My problem is just the opposite: I can see the elephant, but not the elephant gun. I think people can sense that I'm drowning, but refuse to acknowledge that the beach is just a few yards away, or that I was born with wings on my back. And it makes them angry and frustrated with me. Oh well. Sorry, I have enough out here to worry about, like tying weights to my feet.
Sorry for the whining, but it's my Blog.