Tuesday, May 13, 2014

The Gospel According to Me

“I hate to bother you guys, but I have a real problem here.”

Over Jesus’s shoulder, Haniel could see Puriel rolling his seraphic eyes. “What do you need, boss?” he asked.

“I had this great idea, that I would make a few loaves of bread and some fish feed five thousand people. Look, I admit, it’s a little ambitious, but I’m sure it would really win them over.”

“Uh huh,” said Puriel. “And how do you propose to do this?”

“Well, obviously I stopped time-”

The angel gestured to the frozen multitudes. “Obviously.”

Jesus shrugged. “Yeah... I was going to go fishing for a few months, and bake a shitload of bread,” he said, “but with time being frozen, the water’s frozen too, and fire doesn't burn, so that’s out.”

“Yeah,” Haniel said. “Look, kid, we’re on the clock here. Freezing time takes a lot of energy.”

“Besides, we’re strictly here to carry out plans, not make them,” said Puriel. “Union rules.”

“Yeah, I know, I know,” Jesus said. “But maybe you guys could help me out, just this once?”

Haniel sighed. He rubbed his hands together. “Ok,” he said, “have you tried the multiverse?”

Jesus stroked his beard. “The multiverse?”

“Sure.” Haniel said. “It’s easy. You just talk to all the different Jesuses in all the alternate realities that don’t have to feed 5000 people today. They each give you one loaf of bread and one fish. Then, when the time comes, you trade something back to each one of them. A fish, an egg, lamb chops, whatever. It’s not going to be exactly the same.”

“How about a gold coin?” Jesus asked.

“Oh yeah, like that would work,” said Puriel. “Think. Caesar’s not going to be the same across the different dimensions. Each coin would look different.”

“That’s true,” said Jesus, “Especially in the reality where I have three heads.”

Haniel whipped out his Android. “Ok,” he said, tapping in a few calculations. “I have it narrowed down to five thousand multiverses where there’s no feast today, and the fish and wheat aren't toxic to the people here.”

“Oh,” said Jesus. “Well, do I ask-”

“They’re all coming up with the same idea at the same time,” Puriel said, as, with flashes of light, thousands of Jesuses (male and female) materialized, fish and bread in hand.

“It’s all here,” Haniel said, pointing to his smartphone. “I’ve got a schedule down for you. Tomorrow is fig day. You need to bring three figs a day to dimension 54b through Alpha-6 by sundown for the next four and a half years, or the miracle in those dimensions will fail, and the critical amount of souls won't be saved. Can you do that?

“Easy,” said Jesus, as his trans-dimensional brothers and sisters piled the fish and loaves before him. “Fig trees LOVE me.”

(The word of the Lord.)


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