The Third Testament, according to me:
And lo, did it come to pass, that the polar ice caps did melt, and the seas did rise. And the people wailed and gnashed their teeth, and cried, “Oh Lord, why did you not warn us?”
And yea, did the Lord sigh heavily. “But you people must have known that you were poisoning your air, trapping carbon dioxide, and contaminating your food supply. Wake up, and stop lumping beliefs in with each other. Throw rotten kumquats at those who would convince you that caring about your environment is somehow tied in with religious and political decisions. It isn’t. You can believe that global warming is an ecological disaster, and still feel that Obama is a lying schmuck, if you wish. Science isn’t your enemy, it knows no religion or politics. Stop being so stupidly ideological.
“Science?” asked the people, “but why then does Your Good Word say that the Earth is the center of the universe, and was created in six days?”
“Look,” spake the Lord, “Thousands of years ago, that’s what made sense to a bunch of goat herders. They looked in the sky, saw things moving across it, and said, ‘Hey, the heavens are just a bowl on top of the ground.’ That was as far as their knowledge reached, so they made sense of what they observed. Now some of you look at the sky and think, ‘Lookie that, everything is moving away from each other really fast. In order for that to happen, there must have been some sort of really big bang aeons ago.’ Who knows? A hundred thousand years from now, you might have proof that that’s true, or that theory may turn out to be as silly as uber-knowledge-giving apples, and talking snakes. I gave you eyes to observe, and brains to work things out.”
“So, wait,” the people said, “You’re saying the story of Adam and Eve isn’t real? I'm not descended from a monkey!”
And the Lord’s face grew red, and he shouted, “No one ever said you were descended from a monkey, someone just figured out that you had a common ancestor! Jesus Christ, people, why do you think a pig’s heart valve is compatible with a human body?”
“So... You’re saying we’re descended from pigs?”
And thus did the Lord slap His forehead and rub it vigorously, for He was getting a migraine.
“Ok,” He spake, “Here’s what you need to know. If you truly love Me, and want to do My work, then for fuck’s sake, use the brains I gave you to seek out how My universe actually works. That’s the only way you can do that. Do you idiots think you just pray for healing, and it magically happens? It happens through the deeds of others. Those deeds can only be on level with your current level of knowledge. Some self-serving bastards have convinced you that evolution is evil, but you still give antibiotics to your kids when they’re sick. That came from evolution, morons. I’ll say it again: You want to do My will? You want to be My tool for answering prayers? Then stop insisting it’s sinful to look beyond what hut-dwellers thought thousands of years ago. Use your brains. That’s why I gave them to you. Learn how My universe really works, so you can do My work.”
And the people did look at each other, and said, “But if we do that, won’t we have to vote for Hillary in 2016?”
And yea, did the Lord let out a cry of celestial annoyance, and dissapeared into the aether. And thus did the seas rise, and those with cunning knowledge and foresight did own beach-front property in Ohio, and charged a fat wad for access.
The word of the Blog.