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Thursday, July 31, 2014

Breastfeeding, facebook, God, and Satire.

Hello, everyone, God here. I'm guest blogging today to talk with you about a subject of celestial importance: breast feeding pictures on facebook.

Now, as everyone who has read the Bible knows, I did not create women's breasts to be bared. When I created Eve fully grown from Adam's rib, I made her hair just long enough to cover her upper naughty bits. Likewise, I created fig leaves with a natural Velcro that would stick to pubic hair-but that's beside the point.

The point is, I did not mainly create breasts for feeding, that's just a weird (and frankly, gross) side effect. I created them to be ogled. If you took all the breasts in the world, added up every second that they had been used for nursing, then divided that number by the sum of the times they had been played with, looked at, autographed, or dreamt about, you would get a ratio so infinitely small, you wouldn't be able to find it with a microscope. It's math, people. Boobs are for enjoying, not milking.

And what's with all this hatred for Nestlé? Just because Nestlé encouraged women in poor, underdeveloped nations to use their "free" samples of baby formula instead of nursing, which caused their (weird and perverted) lactations to dry up, making them formula-dependant? Is it Nestlé's fault the women couldn't afford the product once the freebies were gone, or didn't have clean water to mix with it? Were they really to blame for the the resulting high infant death rate? And now, when Nestlé is trying to buy up all the world's natural water supply so they can sell it back to your children in bottles, you're getting on their case again. Sheesh. Some ungrateful people...

But I digress. I'm asking nicely ladies: Stop this weird fetish of breastfeeding your baby in public, especially on facebook. Keep your sick, shameful practice behind clothes doors, preferably under a blanket. Remember, your breasts solely exist for the pleasure of men, so send them pictures of your boobs instead. Why not start with bloggers-especially Sicilians?

Dominus vobiscum,
Me

Monday, July 28, 2014

Monday

So here I am, at the end of another Monday. My waistline gets larger, but strangely enough, my pants are becoming looser. This must be some conspiracy between my subconscious and the computer that runs the universe. Another workday has come to a close, another week begins. One day just seems to bleed into another. As Rowlf the Dog said in The Muppet Movie, "I finish work, I go home, read a book, drink a couple of beers, take myself for a walk, and go to bed." Sometimes I'm mad at myself for my lazy whining, but the answer to a difficult plotting problem I had had while editing my new (still unnamed) book has snuck up upon me, as so many of my writing answers do. Perhaps it was just a matter of time.

Speaking of writing, the talented author Suzanne Casamento has invited me on a blog tour. So tune in  next week to read all about my thoughts on writing, past, present, and future.

Also speaking of writing, Craig J. Clark (a very good bearded playwright and werewolf aficionado) has contributed to a compilation of horror film reviews, Hidden Horror. It's chock full of strange and forgotten motion pictures, definitely worth checking out.

In other news, the controls center I'm working in at work FINALLY has air conditioning. The hateful tears of the jealous are like manna to me, they feed my cold, black-but most importantly, cold-heart. If I'm going to suffer the stench of Queens's sewers, I may as well suffer in style.

TTFN
-Tony

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Dora the Poltergeist

Saw this in the apartment building basement. My daughter would be mad that I didn't bring it home, but it scared the crap out of me.

TTFN
-Tony

IF: Golden

Trying to get the hang of painting on my Galaxy Note 10. The return of the golden boy.

TTFN
-Tony

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Heroic Chicks on Battle Chickens

I'm lying here, listening to the rain. Clouds are bumping uglies, making sparks fly. I explain to my frightened daughter that clouds are huge, and yell at each other to get out of the way. I miss my parent's house, the sliding doors in the kitchen that give a beautiful view to thunderstorms on summer nights.

I've been rewatching Garth Marenghi's Darkplace, and wishing I had it in me to be so arrogant an author. Still working on the rewrite that's taking forever, but my characters needed better motivation. I can't think of the word without remembering Drill Sergeants screaming it at me, that I wasn't motivated enough. I can remember so many things. I'll probably get Alzheimer's when I'm older.

What if a person's left hearing aid was modulated up three half-steps, and the right up a fifth? Would they then hear their universe as a progression of minor chords? Would it drive them to insanity and depression?

Watching the end of Heavy Metal on Netflix. My daughter plays with her naked Barbie riding on a My Little Pony Pegasus, named Starry Farts, or something like that, and I'm reminded of Taarna from the end of the film. Of course I haven't shown it to her, I have SOME parenting abilities. Also, Taarna rides a giant chicken. (Hence my humble sketch.)

Take care, my friends.

TTFN
Tony

Thursday, July 17, 2014

In a perfect world, it's required readomg in schools across the country.

You know, not only is that Suzanne Casamento an extremely talented writer and a wonderful human being, but she's obviously also a woman of impeccable taste.

TTFN
-Tony

At least I'm never alone

Awww... so many friends to play with at work!

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Selfie With Your Sister Day

Mets won, waiting for Huey Lewis and the News to start!