Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Monday, April 21, 2014

...or that I don't run into any demonic chickens.

About to go for a walk on the subway tracks. Here's hoping Lex Luthor doesn't eject me from my safety niche! ;)

TTFN
Tony

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Racial Equality!

So... what - she's the cracker Aunt Jemima?

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Happy birthday to... it!


False Idols and Other Short Stories turned one year old yesterday. I would have written this post then, but I had to work all day. Well get back to that in a moment. I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been so supportive. I've sold 126 copies so far. Not too shabby for the first year of my first book. The next one, a novel, is coming along much more slowly than I would like - that's the problem with having a day job. Thanks again, everyone.

TTFN
-Tony

Saturday, April 05, 2014

Couldn't have said it better...

To those who ask why more of my stories don't have happy endings: eat shit & die 233

TTFN
-Tony

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

A Look at Nature

Not many people realize that humanity has a symbiotic relationship with other species. While some are aware of our connection with our body's bacteria, few know of our other co-dependent cousins: faex-bacalis. Or, as it's more commonly known, the dingleberry.
This hearty little creature survives by clinging to the gluteal hairs of its host. Sterile, they cannot reproduce on their own, and must rely on the method of ineffective hygiene. However, on rare occasions, they will mate by latching onto each other, and becoming one. This arrangement entangles the host's hairs, which draws his or her attention. Thus, marriage sadly leads to the newlyweds' tragic death, either by toilet paper, water, or on rare occasion, finger.
Its main form of defense is defensiveness, also known as The Silent Treatment. As romantic liaisons invariably result in melodrama (see above), they simply choose to ignore each other. This leads to anger, resentment, a sense that all love is a lie, and a penchant for Taylor Swift and Carly Simon.
Despite their feelings on romance, Dingleberries practice the religion of Zen Buddhism. They accept their place in the universe, and do not fear the inevitable cleansing. But while in some far-off corners of the globe they are considered a delicacy, (and in even father-flung corners, deities,) on the whole, they are written off as embarrassing annoyances that should be wiped and flushed immediately.
(Thanks, Clare.)
TTFN
-Tony

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Little Green Monsters

I've come to realize that jealousy is one of the prime movers of the universe. We're all jealous. I'm guilty of it, I admit. When I'm out of work, I'm jealous of those connected bastards who haven't been unemployed in years. When I'm making overtime at a shit plant in the backwaters of the outer boroughs, running pipe through a tunnel that smells like dirty diapers boiling in Cheez Whiz, I'm cursing the houses of those connected bastards who work on nice clean office renovations in Midtown. Then I find out that since I've been indoors the past week playing with control wires, the guys I thought were my friends have been sticking pins into chubby voodoo dolls with glasses. We all think everyone has it easier than we do, that their suffering can't compare to our suffering, so the bastards deserve whatever shit we give them. It's just human nature. Anyhoo, I have to go and walk a mile to catch the bus, while the lucky cocksuckers with working cars and nice clean jobs drive on by.
TTFN
-Tony

Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Summanus

Illustration Friday: Spark.
Summanus, Roman God of Nocturnal Thunder

TTFN
-Tony

Thursday, March 13, 2014

How cold is it?

It's so cold that there's a little mouse running around in this controls room, and I don't have the heart to get rid of him.

Thursday, March 06, 2014

Sunday, March 02, 2014

Snowy Sunday Fun!


Lazy Sunday project: Colorizing the one picture of my paternal grandmother, Elena Rose LaRocca. The photo is about eighty years old, and legend has it that at some point my Uncle Mel tried to touch it up with paint, so the result isn't as realistic as I'd like it to be. Still, not to shabby.

TTFN
-Tony

Friday, February 28, 2014

Fusty

Some days, it's so hard not to feel used up, empty and bitter.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Pondering...

Deep thoughts for the week:

Knowing that worrying about what you can't change is illogical does not immediately enable you to just switch it off.

Does "She's dancing like she's never danced before" mean she's dancing in a completely new way, or as if she's horribly inexperienced?

Thursdays are like when you've had a long, hard, day at work, and you look at the clock thinking there must be only an hour left, but in reality there're two.

TTFN
Tony

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Playing It Safe

Do weatherman pick up women by forecasting "somewhere between six to ten inches?"

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Theory

This morning's epiphany: Trying to deduce what happened before The Big Bang is like burning a piece of paper, and trying to deduce what was written on it.

I finally scoured Chapter 7 to a publishable standard over the weekend. On to Chapter 8, which may be divided into two. Damn you work, for getting in the way of my life.

I used to become riled up over political issues, but I'm just too tired these days. Maybe it's a sense of fatality? Actually, I don't feel riled up over anything lately. I just feel eroded.

OK, here's something I can vent about: my car has been inoperable for weeks, and I use public transportation. This involves a mile walk and two buses every morning, and three buses on the way home. Some guys are nice and offer me rides part--if not all--the way. What gets me is when people who I don't even ask for rides get on my case about it. I don't understand why people become obsessed with other people's business. I stay late with everyone else when they make me, I'm not getting anything out of the extra hour using public transportation puts on my commute each way. So what the hell do other people care for?

TTFN
Tony

Friday, February 07, 2014

Siberia

The bitter air feels vengeful, as Mother Earth cries out, "Why did you not listen to my messiah, Al Gore?" Heat is nothing more than molecular energy. The cold saps away my body's heat as a cruel, icy universe demands equilibrium. I gobble down Devil Dogs with peanut butter in a vain effort to sate it, but the cosmos's insane hunger is never satisfied.

This would all sound much better in Russian.

TTFN
-Tony

P.S. Do Catholic drummers prefer the rhythm method?

Tuesday, February 04, 2014

It's all Al Gore's Fault

Holy shit on a shit cracker, I can't believe it was fifty degrees two days ago. I slipped and slid on the sidewalk, so I had to walk in the street again. I love when I leave early to be sure to catch my bus, and it doesn't show up. Then the next bus is overpacked, with entitled princesses sitting in the aisle seats with empty window seats next to them that you have to ask politely to either move over or get the fuck up and let you pass.

It's supposed to snow again, maybe tomorrow, maybe this weekend. No point in getting the car fixed yet. I was too exhausted to work on chapter seven last night. Tv time with the kids is still quality time, especially when there's popcorn involved.

My father took the train into New York every day for us. He got up at five AM and came home at seven PM. Every single workday. I don't remember him ever being sick. Of course, I never really appreciated it the way I should have.

TTFN
-Tony

Monday, February 03, 2014

Monday Monday

My first bus was late. Actually, I left extra early, so I could catch an even earlier bus, but that never arrived either. I'm sitting on the second bus, waiting for it to leave.

I had uneventful weekend. I tried to start the car, but it's no use, the filter and hoses are full of gel and will have to be replaced again. I hate pouring money into that old piece of shit but I can't afford a new one just yet.

I edited and coded most of chapter seven over the weekend, but I wasted far too much time playing Pixel Dungeon and catching up with Rick and Morty. It was fun watching the Superbowl with the kids.

I feel apprehensive and anxious about work today, but I really don't know why. I have a very simple task to finish. I feel like I'm afraid of being blamed for other peoples mistakes. Believe me, I make enough of my own.

TTFN
Tony

Friday, January 31, 2014

Satan is a Hoarder

I'm aiming to have chapter seven scoured to perfection by the end of this weekend. That's the only bad thing about working full time, editing takes forever. I want the end result to be my best work--I'm determined to not just phone it in.

Forgetting one layer of socks, along with taking an enormous crap, has made me miss my usual bus. You think I would have learned by now that eating a small dinner might prevent this. But it's OK, I usually take a very early bus to ensure that I have a safety net. The next bus will supposedly be here a minute ago.

I finished watching "The Armageddon Factor" with the kids last night, along with a plethora of Sesame Street and Electric Company shorts. "Caterpillars Never Wear Brown Boots" was the clear favorite.

I've been listening to old Frantics Times episodes. This morning I heard a sketch about a guy selling his soul to the devil for a quarter, because he didn't want to miss Nancy and Sluggo in the paper. It makes me wonder, why is this legend so embodied in our minds? What would Satan do with my soul? Wouldn't it get boring after a while? Do they get dusty? Are souls what keep the Lake of Fire burning? What will he do when the human race dies off, or does he collect alien and animal souls as well? I guess I should ask Ernie Bushmiller, he must have sold his soul to make a comic as utterly unfunny as Nancy so popular.

TTFN
Tony

Thursday, January 30, 2014

Thursday

I watched a few episodes of Tom Baker's "The Armageddon Factor" and played Monopoly with the kids last night. I had a discussion with Joe about how while Regan did not like telecommunication monopolies, the government does not care that Texas Instruments has a monopoly on graphing calculators.

Poor Mandy has a cold. I'm amazed that working outside in this weather hasn't given me some sort of respiratory infection. Meanwhile, my diesel Jetta still languishes in gelled filter purgatory.

Here I go again.

TTFN
Tony

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Not allowed to wah

Another day of working outside in 15 degree weather yesterday, and probably the same for the rest of the week. But who cares. I feel like this never ends, like my life is weariness, cold and darkness. Find someone who will listen, who will be your friend.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Jamaica Sewage Plant Blues

Every morning, I walk a mile to my first bus. Its sixteen degrees out and it's dark, but it's OK, because I bundled up and I walk pretty fast. Lately I've been working outside. The problem is that I'm not walking around, so I feel the cold cutting through all my layers and deep into my bones. I'm hating the cold, but I'm afraid I'll hate the summer even more, when it's burning hot, and the stench of bubbling excrement is unbearable. Even worse will be the hoards of insects that will come to feed. Sigh. I've been looking for a home in this industry for years, I just never wanted it to be in a sewage plant.

We watched Race for Your Life Charlie Brown last night. Both Mandy and Joe were unimpressed, even though Mandy had been excited at the prospect of watching a "Snoopy Movie." It was cute for nostalgia's sake. I remember my first time sleeping in a water bed, and since it wasn't like bouncing around on a giant water balloon, I felt gyped.

I need to lose weight.

TTFN
-Tony

Thursday, December 19, 2013

and don't bother asking about Bedknobs & Broomsticks...

Me: Bedtime!
Mandy: But I want to see how Mary Poppins ends!
Me: Everyone feeds the birds, they get so fat, they start eating people, and take over the world. At the end, they've enslaved humanity, and they all sing "Feed the humans, tuppence a bag."
Mandy: Eww, sick!

TTFN
Tony

Sunday, December 15, 2013

Winter Whinings

Working at a waste management plant surrounded by frothing fecal matter can make one very philosophical. It can also make one sick, as one inhales the fermenting gasses of concentrated human refuse. When you are constantly inundated with the battle cries of OSHA and BEST - not for your benefit, but for the sake of your employer's liability - you start wondering, well, what about my health? What about the long term effects on my body? Why doesn't that matter? What lottery did I win, that I get to work outdoors at a shit-plant during the winter, while others getting paid the exact same rate get a nice, clean, warm, office renovation in Manhattan? Yes, I'm whining, "Why me?" They might as well put that on my tombstone.

When I was young, I used to pretend I was a superhero whose power was surviving the cold. Zero Kelvin was heaven to me. Superman lived in the Arctic? What a pussy, my Fortress of Solitude was on Pluto. But in recent years, I've come to hate the winter. I've come to hate the dark, and the coldness that seems to permeate to deep inside my body. It never really bothered me before, why does it affect me so much now?

On the non-melodramatic side, I finally finished summarizing the remainder of my still untitled novel. Titles have come to my head, but none of them snappy. I think I'll have to choose a favorite quote from it when it's done, and then create the cover. But I'm getting ahead of myself. The next step is to make changes to the summary, so I can go back to scouring the book chapter by chapter. Dreams must have patience, while methane is inhaled.

TTFN
-Tony

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

Lookie Here, I've Been Interviewed!

Pubbed is a blog dedicated to independent authors. They write reviews and interview self-published authors about the ups and downs of the industry, and they were kind enough to interview yours truly. Check it out here: Talking the Trade with Tony LaRocca, Author of False Idols and Other Short Stories.

TTFN 
-Tony

Thursday, October 31, 2013

The Correct Response is...

"There is no such thing as 'Windows' support, the name of the company is Microsoft. Fuck off, goodbye." Click.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Everybody sing!

Taking the OSHA-10 course online. Not since the '70s have I heard such frequent use of the word "macho."

Monday, October 28, 2013

Illustration Friday: Creature

Illustration Friday: Creature 
TTFN 
-Tony
Chapter 6 scoured, total edited word count now at 48.8k. So happy that chapter needed less changes than the last!

Arrogant Nerd Syndrome.

Call me a nerd-hipster, but I've finally been able to pinpoint why I love Classic Who vs. nuWho. It's because on the old show, the Doctor was a scientist / adventurer, and on the new show, he's an adult Harry Potter with a sonic screwdriver for a magic wand.