Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Now, pretend someone has worked in housing for a number of years, with a number of different jobs, and now wants to run for President. Her most recent job for the last six years included (but was not limited to) guarding a set of master and skeleton keys that provided access to every apartment, electrical closet, pump room, etc. She's officially worked at housing for fifteen years (and unofficially, some say, for a previous eight) and from day one, has been trained on how to properly secure these keys, and how important it is to protect them. People throughout the complex's history have lost their jobs or even gone to jail for mishandling the keys. Training is not just a one-time thing, it happens repeatedly.
Now, it turns out that in her last six years - when she was in the upper echelons of the housing hierarchy, she not only did not follow set procedures for keeping the keys safe, SHE INSISTED ON DISREGARDING THEM. Instead of keeping them in a safe, she INSISTED on leaving them in an unlocked drawer, in her unlocked office, and INSISTED the windows were always left open. Furthermore, she INSISTED on having a copy of the skeleton keys at home and on her person, and gave access to people who were not cleared to use them. She was warned repeatedly that this was dangerous and against procedure, but again, she was the boss, and SHE INSISTED.
So the residents find out. Some are outraged, and some...
The complex has a newspaper and its own internal TV station. The paper and TV station insist that this is no big deal. She's the most qualified person to run for housing president ever. How DARE you question why she insisted on practices that left your home insecure. Can you prove any harm was done? Can you? What about that housing president some ten years ago, who might have taken a key home with him accidentally one day? Or another, who had that whole scandal about the cheap water pipes that broke? You didn't care about them then, how can you question her inalienable right to be president now? You know what? It's sexist. It's sexist and misogynist to hold her responsible for her actions. How dare you.
But some residents are angry that she left access to their homes open and insecure, and the government reluctantly gets involved. There are laws involving the correct handling of keys, surely she broke them. After all, people have gone to jail for much, much less violations of key security in the complex's past, right?
So... the housing police detectives investigate. And the day before her interview, her husband (a former president of the housing complex) corners the presiding judge on a runway, and forces what he wanted to be a secret meeting. When the press finds out, they insist that they were just talking about their grand-kids and golf. You actually think there was any impropriety in that secret meeting? Sexist...
The head detective makes his report. He says that while she was "extremely careless" they do not have the evidence to prove criminal intent beyond a shadow of a doubt, and that his interpretation of the law is that she should not be indited.
The local press and her supporters cry victory, that she has been exonerated, that no wrongdoing ever occurred. Meanwhile, many residents are dumbfounded. This was no careless accident, this was years of INSISTING on not following correct procedure that left everyone's homes vulnerable. They demand to see transcripts from the interview.
The information is released. It turns out that despite repeated training, she insists that she did not remember how to identify which are master and skeleton keys. Because of a concussion four years ago, she did not remember proper procedure (though she was repeatedly warned afterward that she was not following it and INSISTED on not following it.)
Again, the press, her local supporters, and celebrities take up the cry of victory, while others stare shocked and incredulous at excuses a child could see through. Then the accusations of sexism and shaming tactics begin anew. What, she was just... careless with her keys. She's a very hard working, dedicated woman, who had the tiniest of slip ups - totally understandable. What's the big deal? Its not as bad as something something something another president twenty years ago kind of got away with... Why are you being misogynist? Why are you picking on her? It's a non-issue, and she's the most qualified candidate EVER.
Thursday, September 08, 2016
I was raised Catholic and came out of the closet as agnostic more or less a decade ago, but I still find this all fascinating. There's been much debate on whether or not she deserves it, and I'll leave that up to you to decide. What interests me is how the church decides. Basically, if you pray to someone after they die to intervene with god on your behalf, and your prayer is answered, it's considered that this dead person actually performed a miracle.
So the first lesson is that god does not take freelance prayer submissions, you need to apply through an agent.
The second lesson is that it must be so hard to get god to help out a dying kid, getting him to is considered a "miracle."
I imagine then that heaven must be like a giant stock exchange. Prayers are answered on the open outcry method (watch the ending of Trading Places if you don't know what I mean.) Prayer brokers are all shouting, waving their respective prayers in the air, while god sits back and picks the orders he wants to take, until the bell rings. Get two orders answered, and you become a saint.
The thing is, we have no way to tell who is actually brokering which prayers. I'd like to imagine there's an old Jewish guy named Mort who's gotten the most through, but no one actually prays to him, so he gets no credit at all.
Then, there are saints who specialize. My namesake, for example, is the patron saint of lost keys, though I'm infamous for putting something down and never finding it again. This is the main reason I got LASIK, I was sick of frantically looking for my glasses when I was supposed to be running out the door.
Anyway, everyone have a nice day. May Saint Mort bless you all.
Tuesday, September 06, 2016
"Want to see Mel Brooks at Radio City Music Hall?"
Of course, the answer was yes. First, they screened Blazing Saddles (it was obviously a Blu-ray projection, I was a little disappointed that it wasn't crisper the way the original film print would have been, but I know that's just nitpicking. It was awesome seeing it on the big screen.) I realized the young woman next to me had never seen it before because of her constant gasping at the use of the n-word. Hopefully she figured out it was an anti-racist comedy. As the presenter said, this is a film that could never be made in today's rabidly PC / SJW society. I felt bad for her, because idiots kept shouting out lines just before they were spoken. Yes, the movie is 40 years old, and 99% of us have seen it before. We all know the lines, you're not impressing anyone, and this isn't Rocky Horror. Chill.
Afterward, Mel himself came out onstage, and answered questions. Of course, most of them had to do with Gene Wilder (sniff.) I was amazed at his energy and wit. I pray I'm half that sharp when I'm ninety. It was just amazing to be in the same room with someone I've always respected and admired.
While editing the next book, I've been winding down at night by playing Obduction the latest game from the creators of Myst. It's not set in the Myst universe, but with its incredibly beautiful other-worldliness, it more than lives up to expectations. There's more than a few technical bugs, and it has the same annoyances as Uru did (I basically have to imagine that I'm disabled and can't step over two foot high barriers, and that the beautiful, shining brook is made out of Mercury, and that's why I just can't wade across it) but over-all, it's an amazing adventure/puzzle game. It's nice to see the original Cyan team back in action.
Thursday, September 01, 2016
Then another day you realize most of humanity feels this way and you should really just stop whining about it.
So you decide that you're just going to stop worrying and enjoy life.
Then you feel fat, lazy, and unsatisfied with anything, and you realize that if you want to keep your job and be able to take care of those who depend on you, you have to keep proving you're useful. "Coffee's for closers only!"
Once again, you realize most of humanity has come to this realization, and you should really stop whining about it.
Then you realize you're talking about yourself in the second person, and it probably sounds dickish.
Is dickish a word?
I've realized that I get annoyed by the inner monologue of a lot of characters in books by a certain extremely famous author, because they sound extremely judgemental, and I wonder if that's how normal people are supposed to think. Is that the secret of his success, emotional superiority and manipulation?
I hung out with an up-and-coming stage/TV actor the other night, and he told me that an actor's number of twitter followers factor into whether they get a role or not. Really? That must be maddening. I mean, you can buy a thousand followers in Africa for like $20, or so I'm told, but still, to have to worry about your online persona, to never be real or honest (not saying this person is not real or honest online, just saying that I would feel like I was forced not to be.)
Oh well, time to put my pants on. Everyone have a good one.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Saturday, July 09, 2016
And so it was, that the people of the United States were divided into two groups, those on the left, and those on the right. And yea, did Hillary turn to those on Her left, and said, "Blessed are you. When minorities were persecuted, you saved them. When our children were uneducated and starving, you saved them. When our daughters were to be sold into virtual prostitution, you saved them. When the Earth was on the verge of sinking into bigotry, misogyny, racism, and warfare, you fought to save them."
And the people on the left said, "When did we do this, oh Hillary?"
And She spoke, saying, "Whenever you said that My gross negligence and corruption should be ignored, because I'm just a victim of a GOP witch-hunt, whenever you shouted down Bernie Sanders supporters as 'Bernie-Bro' misogynists, or foolish, uneducated girls who were taken in by the nefarious lies of FOX News, whenever you said that a single-payer system was impossible in America, even though you elected President Obama on the promise to do so, whenever you 'Corrected the Record' on social media, whenever you said that a secretary of state's playing fast and loose with national security for Her own gain should be completely ignored, just because other people in the past might have gotten away with something kinda sorta not really similar, whenever you championed My affuluenza-victimhood and said it was 'not fair' to inform the people of the underhanded dealings of someone who wanted to govern them--that you did unto Me."
And then She turned to those on Her right, and said, "You! You wanted the world to be full of bigotry and hatred. You wanted African-American children shot down in the street by machine-gun wielding NRA/KKK members. You wanted all Muslims and Mexicans to be rounded up and put in concentration camps. You wanted the LGTB community flayed alive for using public restrooms. You wanted your daughters to be barefoot, pregnant slaves, who only worked for seventy cents on the man's dollar."
And those on the right said "Oh Hillary, when did we do this?"
And yea, She spoke, saying, "Whenever you pointed out that Bernie Sanders always fought for the things I was against before he made them popular, whenever you reminded everyone that Trump was My friend for decades, donated to My foundation, and once said I would make a great president, and questioned if he might be a cartoonish super-villain who magically appeared on the political scene just when I needed a scapegoat-boogeyman most, whenever you said it was logistically impossible to allow millions of illegal aliens enter the American workforce and expect the minimum wage to ever rise, whenever you suggested that My insanely high fees for secret speeches to the very institutions I promised to cull were obviously bribes, whenever you asked why the fact that I once fought to get someone I knew was a child rapist off the hook on a technicality is whitewashed by those who decry 'rape culture' at every turn, whenever you pointed out that I am the apex of the rich and powerful one-percent that is sucking the livelihood out of the middle and lower classes, whenever you highlighted the obvious bias of mainstream news outlets towards me, whenever you questioned if I ever actually did anything for Labor that deserves the adulation its unions give me, whenever you said that My husband, the former president, arraigning a covert meeting with the attorney general while I'm under criminal investigation by the FBI is a fornicating red flag of elitist corruption that even a five year old could see--that you did unto Me."
And one from the right spoke up, saying, "But, you wish to govern us. Why must we perpetuate the Good-Cop-Bad-Cop farce that is screwing over us all? It is our right to know about the underhanded dealings of all our candidates, no matter who they are. What does it matter what others might or might not have done in the past? This is about the present election, and our future. Go ahead and investigate them all too. Lock them all up, what do we care? We are all supposedly The People of the United States, why are you treated as royalty? Why should we defend you, instead of demanding the truth about those who wish to rule? If another rich kid with 'affluenza' kills more people, or if another judge lets a connected college-athlete rapist off the hook, should we say 'Prosecuting them is wrong, because others in the past might have gotten away with it too'? Why should any candidate, including you, be treated as if they are above the law?"
And yea, did Hillary point at him, turn to those on the left, and cry, "See? SEE??? He wants Trump to take your children's futures! He wants Trump to rip the STEM jobs from your daughters' hands! He wants to see Trump reign, and for all non-whites to be persecuted and murdered!"
She bowed Her head, and began to cry. Tears ran down Her face and onto Her $12,495 Armani jacket, and Her voice became a fragile whisper. "Witness the microagressions of white, male, misogynist privilege against us all."
And yea, did those on the left hiss, and boo, and take up the chants of "Covert misogynist," "Unfriend him," and "Microagressions become macrotransgressions!"
And then did Hillary cast those on the right into the Lake of Fire, otherwise known as Walmart (where Hillary had once been a member of its union-busting board of directors,) where they had to work as door greeters with no benefits as one of their many part time jobs, just to keep their heads above water, and support their families. And there was much wailing, and gnashing of the teeth.
And not soon after, did the left also follow into the part-time jobs of Walmart and its ilk, or did they also stay on their current jobs for more hours, less pay, and less benefits, while the cost of living and taxes rose. And yea, did they, CNN, MSNBC, and all of Hollywood cry that it was all the fault of those on the right, who--even though She had been coronated--had questioned the Will of Hillary, and damned them all.
The Word of the Hilldawg
Tuesday, July 05, 2016
Saturday, June 25, 2016
Let's pretend the United States gives amnesty to all illegal aliens and refugees, and opens its borders.
This creates plethora of issues, among them criminal activity, over population, a refusal to integrate, and last but not least, unemployment.
New Jersey, which already has a huge unemployment problem of its own, says, "Fornicate this noise, we're leaving," and secedes from the Nation. So, if you weren't a natural born NJ citizen, you now need a visa/green card/citizenship to work and live in NJ. The flip side is, NJ natural born citizens now need these things to work elsewhere in the US. This includes me and my wife, who live in NY. Our daughter was born in NY, so if we move back, she'll have to apply for citizenship. So will our son, because he was born in SC. This situation has ramifications all over the country, especially because NJ is basically a suburb for NYC. And don't forget the elderly who moved to FL or AZ years ago to retire.
So now, NJ jobs are preserved for the New Jersians. This looks great on the surface. The only problem is, there really weren't that many jobs to begin with. Its only export is horrible reality shows about horrible people, the green flies and annoying pine needles that plague the Jersey Shore, and tourism-mainly people going to Headquarters 10 in Morristown to see if that guy who scans the movie tickets with his finger is still working there after all these years (is he?)
The other issue is that many NJ companies who did business throughout the US are now thrown into disarray. New tariffs and agreements have to be drawn up. NJ also received federal aid for many industries, especially for the perpetual roadwork on 287 that was planned to last for all eternity.
To complicate matters further, NJ is actually made up of two separate nations. The Pork Roll people voted to stay in the US, while the Taylor Ham nation was unanimously for leaving. There is now talk of the Pork Rollers seceding from NJ so they can try and rejoin the US.
Anything I missed?
Thursday, June 23, 2016
Wednesday, June 01, 2016
"How could anyone vote for ______? Only a slimy, odoriferous pile of reptile droppings would ever vote for him/her/it! If you're going to vote for ______, just unfriend me now!"
There is a difference between having your own opinion and arguing for it, and being convinced that everyone else's opinion should be the same as yours. So, in the interest of being obnoxious and lording the fact that I'm above it all, I shall explain.
Other people were born with a different nature than you.
They were raised with different nurturing than you.
Some have had different experiences than you.
Some have had successes you never will.
Some have suffered hardships and pains you never will.
All these things have formed a perspective in those people.
They then found one or more ideologies (sets of ideas and ideals) which more or less coincided with their perspectives.
These ideologies shaped their lives. They may convince themselves that their decisions are based on impartial, objective logic, but deep down, they are shaped by these ideologies. They may say "yeah, you're right, you have a point," and KNOW that you are making pure, logical sense - but still, they will always find a way to justify following their particular ideology.
To them, some decisions you may think are wrong, are right.
To them, some decisions you may think are right, are wrong.
Remember, these rules apply to you as well.
Remember, friends and family are more important than the circus playing out in Washington.
Here endeth the obnoxiousness (for now.)
Tuesday, May 31, 2016
I plan on going out like Slim Pickens did in Doctor Strangelove, but in the slim case I don't get to ride a nuke, I suppose I'd like to be cremated and dumped off the shelf of the Atlantic. That way, no one has to visit me. Chances are, when it rains, I'd visit you.
I would like, however, that if Amazing Grace is sung at my funeral, everyone sing it like Elvis. Dressing up is optional.
Live long and perspire, my friends.
Sunday, April 17, 2016
Max Rebo, Sithym and Blues
Saturday, March 05, 2016
He crawled out upon the Great White Valley. It was barren and dry. And bright, so bright. The brilliance made his heart pound, deep within his armor. This was the land of the Gods. One only dared to traverse here under the sweet cover of darkness. But darkness was for hiding, and hiding was for ignorance. He was not making this suicidal journey to be willfully blind; he was here to know.
The ground was cold and unforgiving beneath his feet as he scrabbled up the ivory wall. He tasted dryness and grit, and a chill set over him.
Where had They gone?
His brothers had made the pilgrimage before him. Only one had ever returned, cracked and broken, his limbs smashed and jagged. He had warned the Wanderer, with his last, gasping breath, that the Gods were cruel. They were Titans, walking mountains, who guarded their land of plenty with a petty jealousy, bringing down crushing death on all those who dared to cross it. The Wanderer had been content to lay within his cavern, to feed upon the delicious rains that fell from above. But the rains had stopped.
It was his fault, he knew. He had tried to be good, he had tried to be true. He had followed all the rituals, said all the prayers. He had shown his loyalty and his love. But somehow, he was unworthy. Somehow, he must have failed. They had judged him undeserving of the rain, and he would learn why.
The rustling patter of tiny feet echoed across the ground, and it froze him in his tracks. Were there others here? Children - perhaps even nephews and nieces of the brothers who had never returned? He would find them. He would find, embrace them, and bring them home. The thought ignited a sense of pride within him. They would not find their uncle cowering in fear. He scurried around the corner, calling out a greeting. Then he stopped, his heart sinking.
They were not his family, merely a squad of Simples. Dwarves. They liked to travel in packs. They ran from here to there, careless of what danger they courted. He had met their types before.
"Hey, you," he said. They did not turn his way. He looked to the left and to the right, but saw no one. He moved to block their path. "Hey, I'm talking to you."
"Light," they said in unison, pointing to a spot of luminescence above. "Light, light, light, light, light."
"What happened here?" the Wanderer asked. "Where have the Gods gone? Why did they leave us?"
"Light, light, light," the Simples chanted. They rerouted their passage around him, and continued on their way. His jaw dropped in shock. How could they be here, in the home of the Gods, and yet worship something else?
"Don't you fools understand?" he shouted as they scampered off. "We're all alone now. I'm alone."
Their mantra echoed, fading in the distance. He sunk his head.
"I don't want to be alone."
He looked about him. This was no heaven. He could smell no food, only dust. He would return to his family, to the dank of his caverns. They would find a new tunnel, with new Gods to worship. They would have to fight, kill, and possibly die to overtake the supplicants already living there, but so what? It was the way things were, the way they had always been. It was life.
The dry wind brought a sound of thunder. The ground shook. In the blurry radiance, the faint echo of the Simples cadence turn to screams.
Joy and terror washed over him in waves. The rhythm of the earthquakes grew stronger, the thunder louder. He knew he should run, should scamper back to the safety of the portal. But he knew that if he did, he would hate himself until the day he died. He had come to see the Gods, and he would.
The Avatar loomed into view from above. She tilted her head back, opened her mouth, and screamed. The roar deafened him as he emptied his bowels, his refuse running down his legs. She was terrible, and beautiful, her head crowned by a flowing mane of gold. She swung out her massive leg, and colossal, inescapable darkness hammered down from the sky. As it ground his brain into mush, the last thought to cross it was one of elation. Perhaps the old Gods had deserted him, but here were new ones.
His children would have rain.
Friday, February 26, 2016
Tuesday, February 23, 2016
Friday, February 12, 2016
Let's cut to the chase.
I have a daughter, and I've been told that you've done many things that will make her life better. I really don't know how true that is, but if it is... well, then thank you - and I honestly mean that. But there is one trend from your political history that is rearing its ugly head in this campaign, and it's something I definitely don't want her to learn. My problem with you is, after a fashion, the same one I had with your husband. It comes down to this:
No matter what your gender, being principled is hard.
No matter what your gender, being true to your word is hard.
No matter what your gender, practicing what you preach is HARD.
I know - because I've failed to do these things time and time again. I've tried. Sometimes I've won, but many, many times, I've failed. I'm not holding you to a standard I can't live up to, I'm not pretending I'm better than you. Anyone reading this who knows me knows I'm the last person who should throw stones. So let's make this clear: I'm not saying I'm principled and you're not. That's not my point. Who knows, maybe you're a better person than I am. Could be.
The point is, when you come face to face with someone who actually HAS done these things, who has actually fought for their principles no matter how hard it was, then you respect it.
You respect them for it.
You don't play the victim.
You don't say, "Well it was easy for that person to not play the game I did. Sure, they can walk the walk instead of just talking the talk. Sure, they can not be completely full of bull-feces. Sure, they can actually live up to what they say... because they had privilege!"
Because, Mrs. Clinton, it's never easy. If it were easy for everyone of every gender, race, or class to be true to the principles they preach, history would be completely different. If that were true, then we would be living in a Star Trek The Next Generation utopia right now, instead of the whole juju-flop situation that we're in.
Let's reiterate: I'm not saying Bernie Sanders would necessarily make a better president than you. I'm not saying people should not vote for you. Everyone should be able to vote for whoever they want (whomever? I'm too lazy to look it up) and I'm sure your supporters are intelligent, well-informed people who have their reasons.
What I'm saying is that when someone (as far as we know) has a long history of being true to their principles and you haven't, then you don't try and spin it that you are somehow a victim. It's not the fault of sexism or misogyny or "privilege" that Bernie Sanders has a truer political record than you do - it's THE CHOICES YOU HAVE MADE.
It's sort of the same way I didn't want my son to learn from your husband that although everyone does things that are wrong, and mistakes shouldn't be forever held over anyone's head - when you're unquestionably caught committing a crime, especially as a leader, you don't vilify the man prosecuting you, and you don't use popularity as an excuse to escape punishment. But I digress.
So, Mrs. Clinton, you really want to be a feminist role model for my daughter? Then stop spinning the fact that Bernie has been truer to his principles as your own victimhood. You want to show her that you're the candidate that's strong enough to take responsibility for the presidency? Fine - then instead of spinning bullshit about "privilege," start by taking responsibility for you own goddamn record.
Monday, February 01, 2016
Thursday, January 28, 2016
Monday, January 25, 2016
Thursday, December 24, 2015
It's all going to be okay.
We've all had our ups and downs this year, our joys and losses, loves, hates, fears, hopes, worries, and disappointments.
Just remember every day is new. Find joy when you can. You are wanted, needed, and loved. You matter. Be happy, because you deserve happiness.
Unless you ruin Star Wars before I get to see it. Then you can burn in Hell.
Saturday, December 19, 2015
Friday, December 18, 2015
I would pay good money to see that.
Monday, December 14, 2015
Saturday, December 12, 2015
He was so tiny when he was a baby, a bit of a preemie. Now he towers over me. I used to run around with him under my arm, like he was a tiny football. Or we'd fake WWF wrestle, with him always winning. Now, he could probably put me under his arm.
Good and bad things will happen to you. You will have friends who will leave their mark on your brain forever. Wish them happiness, but always wish it for yourself as well. Find something to want, something that will make your soul grow, and follow it. Learn things that will make you believe in yourself. Find people who make you want to be the best you you can be. Treat yourself with love, and never forget your own love has value. Be realistic about the present, but when it comes to the past, treasure the good. It will make your memories happier.
Remember that if you want self respect, that you have to earn it from yourself. If you want pride, you have to do things that will make you proud. Forgive the people who hurt you - but forgive yourself as well.
Life is beautiful, and I love you always.
Thursday, December 03, 2015
OK, lets be honest. The New York Daily News's front page today is deliberate controversial spin to keep the conversation away from the religious affiliations of the San Bernardino shooters. (NO I am NOT saying all followers of that religion, or even that that religion itself is to blame, or should be spotlighted. I am saying the media is deliberately creating controversy as a distraction, especially since they spent the past week blaming a different religion for the Planned Parenthood shootings - which, for the record, was horrible and inexcusable, so don't even try it.) I'm also not going to get drawn into the gun control debate. (For the record, I believe in the second amendment, but I also believe we need sane gun control laws. Having a gun in your home to protect yourself or for sport doesn't mean you should be legally able to carry a gun into a movie theater where I've taken my kids, You also shouldn't be able to buy military-grade hardware at gun shows, and gun ownership should be federally at least as regulated as drivers' licenses. Sometimes a slippery slope is a slippery slope, and sometimes it's an excuse.)