Friday, November 30, 2007

In Excessive Day-O

Illustration Friday: Excess

The excess of political correctness in this country has reached vomit-inducing levels.

The word of the week is, "Excess." I had no idea what I'd draw, until I saw a news item this morning that some malls here in America were taking a lesson from Australia & banning their Santas from saying "Ho ho ho." (Instead they want him to softly say, "Ha ha ha.") Apparently, some women who make a living having sex for money were offended that Santa was using their trademarked catchphrase. Also, Santas are being asked to slim down, as they're being bad role models for young chubbies. I had no idea I could blame my fatness on Santa. Here I thought it was from seeing Jabba the Hutt in Return of the Jedi when I was in 4th grade! (What's next- they're going to have to dub over DVDs of him saying, "Ho ho ho," too?) And of course, "Merry Christmas" is an entirely naughty thing for Santa to say. Only the term "Happy holidays" is allowed. Give me a fucking break!

The funny thing about all this is that Santa became the politically correct alternative for those jackasses who just couldn't accept that Christmas is the celebration of Jesus' birth- and now he's getting the PC makeover himself. Joe's entire 5th grade glee club repertoire for their "Holiday Concert" consists of songs about Penguins. They're not even from the right goddamn pole! When Joe asked what was up, his teacher told him "It's against the law to sing about Christmas in school." I know all this is nothing new, but what kind of useless jerkoff gets offended if you say "Merry Christmas?" I converted years ago from Catholicism to Pastafarianism, and even I will never understand. Wish me a Merry Christmas, a Happy Hanukkah, or even a Krazy Kwanzaa if you wish. I'll still smile and say thank you.

(May He extend His noodley appendage unto you,)

Monday, November 26, 2007

7 Simple Facts of Highly Boring People

As I said earlier, the lovely French Toast Girl (aka Elena) tagged me, so here are seven things I don't believe I've made public yet.

1) Aravis asks, "What (to you) is the most interesting thing about yourself which you think will be boring (to us)?"

Hmm... I suppose the fact that, when I can't sleep at night, I read Chick Tracts online on my Pocket PC & laugh myself into slumber. (In case you're confused, my philosophy on Chick Tracts- and religion in general for that matter- was best summed up by Jim Huger here.)

2) Anonymous asks, "What is your favourite spot to not think? (I know you never 'not think' but there must be a place or envirnoment you try - apart from sleeping in bed)"

On the subway. I can zone out & clear my mind in about a minute flat, if I can find a seat.

3) Craig J. Quack asks, "If you could snap your fingers (or wiggle your nose or wave your wand [although that could get you arrested if you did it in public]) and one of your long-gestating projects would be finished and exactly the way you always imagined it, which one would you want it be?"

I suppose a very depressing sci-fi book I've temporarily titled "N." I have a begining, a middle, and and end in three different files, none of which quite link up. I have to take the time to write a coherent outline that works out the best of them all, and make it work. The best thing about re-reading it is a) I can see how bad some of it is (which means I've improved,) b) I can clearly tell whose work I was reading at the various times I worked on it & how it influenced the styles, and c) that it all is quite salvageable, if I'd just get down to it!

Now I have to think of things on my own:

4) I have a photographic memory that only remembers useless facts. For example, Jen was wearing a light blue cotton blouse on our first date.

5) I used to have very concrete thoughts and beliefs about the world and myself. Somewhere in the last ten years, all of that was turned on its head. Now, all I can honestly say, in the words of Socrates, is that "All I know is I know nothing."

6) I know all the words to the five longest songs in existence: "Alice's Restaurant,""American Pie," "Taxi," "We Will All Go Together When We Go," and "The Biggest Ball of Twine in Minnesota." (I would have included "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida," but most of that is instrumental.)

7) I completed the entire game of Riven without having to look up a single hint! (Sorry, I couldn't think of anything else.)

If there's anything else you're dying to know, please feel free to comment!

Saturday, November 24, 2007

"Going to the zoo, zoo, zoo, Going to the zoo, zoo zoo..."

Illustration Friday: Zoo

I can't decide if I'm looking in at it, or if it's looking in at me.

For those who don't know, I'm out of work for a few weeks. I have back problems (3 herniated discs) that have been acting up, & I'm taking my furlough time now to rest up & take it easy. Went to NJ on Thursday, saw my parents & my sisters, got to watch my sister Mary get proposed to by her boyfriend Jeff, (isn't that cute?) All in all, life is good.


Thursday, November 22, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving!

Want to have all the fun of the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade without actually having to GO to the parade? Go watch the balloons get blown up the night before!


The world is mine! The world is mine!

Happy Turkey Day, y'all!


Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Once Again, I am It!

...and I don't mean the giant brain from A Wrinkle in Time! The beautiful & multitalented French Toast Girl (aka my sister Elena) has been kind enough to tag me. I'm supposed to write 7 interesting things about me. The thing is, what's interesting to me is boring to other people, and vice versa. So, as the last time I was tagged, I'm asking you out there to put questions to me. What do you want to know? I promise to tell you something interesting in return.


Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Thursday, November 08, 2007

Happy Birthday to Me...

Here I am, at the ripe old age of 35. (Scroll down to see the awesome Dalek cake my mommy made for me!) Where did the time go? To quote Pink Floyd, "And then one day you find/ 10 years have got behind you..." Is it time for a change? It's certainly time to finish one of my goddamn books, already. The thing is, I can't decide if I want to shave my beard off or not. Some days I say I'm tired of it, some day I say, "The beard is me." (If you're a Kids in the Hall fan, you know the power of beards.) What significance it has, I know not. I figure I'm half done with life, baring some accident, or cool cyborg advancement. They say in a few decades we'll be able to store our brains on a computer, but what good would that do me? I'd still be dead, there'd just be some backup of me, left to annoy my children and the future generations.

So what have I learned so far? You can't make someone love you, they do or they don't. You can't change anyone. Always be honest with yourself. Self esteem, by definition, can't come from anywhere except yourself. If you want to love yourself, do things you think deserve love. All organizations, be they political, religious, or union, exist primarily for the sake of the organization. There will always be schmucks who want to make themselves feel better by putting you down- don't let them get to you. Think whatever you want to think, feel whatever you want to feel- it's actions that count. Give your kids a break- when you get annoyed, you're probably worried more about them embarrassing you than weather they actually did something wrong. Don't believe that people never change- people change all the time. Clear you mind every now and then, and then listen to the voices in your head. Write down your dreams as soon as you wake up. If you don't make it happen, it never will happen. Newton's first law applies to people as well as objects. Money talks, bullshit sadly can get pretty far. What you take for granted, someone else would probably die for. Whatever you're afraid of probably isn't that bad. Finally, in the words of the great late Frank Zappa, "You are what you is, and that's all it is."


Saturday, November 03, 2007

It's 1984 & Dog the Bounty Hunter is out of a job.

Back in 2003, when we reached "mission accomplished" status in the Iraq War after just a few months, a country group called The Dixie Chicks was boycotted. This was because they publicly dissed president Bush at a concert. Record sales dropped, and their songs were pulled from the radio. My sister Elena felt that their civil rights had been violated, but I didn't agree. They had made a public statement, and the public had responded. I said that I would agree if they had made the statements over the phone or at a party and were made to pay for it, because no one should have to worry about what they say or do in private. (As long as they're not breaking the law, etc. etc.)

Fast forward to 2007. For those of you who don't know, there's some show called Dog the Bounty Hunter. The star of the show apparently used the word "nigger" in a phone conversation with his son. His son recorded the conversation and leaked it on the internet. This has caused his show to be canceled. (Read the Reuters story here.)

(Disclaimer: Nigger is a bad word, no one should ever use it, or the phrase "Nappy haired ho," or anything derogatory, ever, under penalty of castration with a rusty potato peeler. This disclaimer hopefully keeps anyone from throwing an utter shit fit of me simply using words and missing the point of this article entirely.)

No, I'm not defending this person, or what he said, (though ironically, what he said in his tirade was that he didn't want his son's black girlfriend to ever overhear him say that word in his own home and ruin his life.) But doesn't it frighten anyone else is that a private phone conversation is being treated as if it were a public statement? I'm sure that everyone out there has at one or more times in their lives said or done something in private that would ruin their lives if exposed. Like Michael Richards and Don Imus before him, (who publicly made racist statements,) Duane "Dog" Chapman has been falling over himself to apologize. I would have said, "Fuck you, what I say in private is no one else's business," but that's just me.

Once again, before you flame, let me clarify my position. Saying racist things: Bad. Losing your job & being publicly vilified because of a private phone conversation: Very scary. I'll leave you with this passage from George Orwell's classic dystopian novel 1984 (Which, if you kids out there don't know, is where you get the term "Big Brother" from in regards to the government spying on you:)

'Are you guilty?' said Winston.

'Of course I'm guilty!' cried Parsons with a servile glance at the telescreen. 'You don't think the Party would arrest an innocent man, do you?' His frog-like face grew calmer, and even took on a slightly sanctimonious expression. 'Thoughtcrime is a dreadful thing, old man,' he said sententiously. 'It's insidious. It can get hold of you without your even knowing it. Do you know how it got hold of me? In my sleep! Yes, that's a fact. There I was, working away, trying to do my bit--never knew I had any bad stuff in my mind at all. And then I started talking in my sleep. Do you know what they heard me saying?'

He sank his voice, like someone who is obliged for medical reasons to utter an obscenity. '"Down with Big Brother!" Yes, I said that! Said it over and over again, it seems. Between you and me, old man, I'm glad they got me before it went any further. Do you know what I'm going to say to them when I go up before the tribunal? "Thank you," I'm going to say, "thank you for saving me before it was too late."'

'Who denounced you?' said Winston.

'It was my little daughter,' said Parsons with a sort of doleful pride.
'She listened at the keyhole. Heard what I was saying, and nipped off to the patrols the very next day. Pretty smart for a nipper of seven, eh? I don't bear her any grudge for it. In fact I'm proud of her. It shows I brought her up in the right spirit, anyway.'

Something to think about.


"My mama loves me, yes she loves me..."

She'd have to, to spend so much time making me this adorable Dalek cake! (My birthday's not 'till 11/8, but what the hell. We ate him anyway.)